sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”