Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
No regrets in 2018
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD