Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.