Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Just added something to my bucket list.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
cats when you pet them too long:
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*