Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this