Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.