Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
hi why am I like this
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
this is the best day of my life
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
it’s finally my moment to shine
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.