Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.