Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

gentlemen, hear me out

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now