Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.