sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
You Might Also Like
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Love it! 👍😂
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting