Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?