Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Found my door mat
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon