@thepaulahunt

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

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@KeetPotato

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@SA1NTCAKE

Claiming that “Karen” is a slur is a very Karen thing to do

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

@treywafer

Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.