Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

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interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]


[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”


I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”


Claiming that “Karen” is a slur is a very Karen thing to do


ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone


Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix


Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*



Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.