Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
He’s dead
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”