interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Claiming that “Karen” is a slur is a very Karen thing to do
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix
Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.