Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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there are 2 genders…
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Me: To the wall
Computer: shutting down
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020