Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up