Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
This will never not be funny to me.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.