Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
you’re damn right i have
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.