Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Monday Lisa
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.