Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

Meow?

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.