Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

me logging onto twitter

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!