Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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I鈥檓 sorry, but I鈥檓 never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I鈥檓 chasing the ice cream truck.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I鈥檓 a muggle.
Look, I鈥檝e been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it鈥檚 weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it鈥檚 not 19 & 9 馃槖
a badder mouse
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again馃槶
