Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.