@KevinFarzad

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

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@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@sofarrsogud

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

@TraylorParker

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@TheAlexNevil

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

@KeetPotato

[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
“banjo”
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]

@omerwahaj

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

@JohnLyonTweets

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

@AndyAsAdjective

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*