Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
welcome back
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle