15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*