Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
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Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
This meal prepping shit easy