Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
They’re called werewolves.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic