Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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When you have to use a public restroom.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?