Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Finally, an explanation.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive