I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
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Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom