@realHamOnWry
@suntzufuntzu
Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play
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@suntzufuntzu
@fordm
BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime
ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—
BRUCE: Bring me a cape
@aligarchy
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
@50FirstTates
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
@causticbob
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
@causticbob
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
@ericsshadow
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
@handsock_butts
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
@StinkyGr33n
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
@RorynotRoy
Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.