@realHamOnWry

Sometimes Victoria’s Secret is Victor’s secret on weekends.

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@suntzufuntzu

Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play

@fordm

BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape

@aligarchy

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

@50FirstTates

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

@causticbob

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

@ericsshadow

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

@handsock_butts

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

@StinkyGr33n

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

@RorynotRoy

Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.