sometimes we need to be reminded
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: I really need to save money
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