sometimes we need to be reminded
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That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”