sometimes we need to be reminded
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[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.