sometimes we need to be reminded
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I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs