sometimes we need to be reminded
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
So true for me
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.