Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night