Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.