Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

My first son he is wonderful

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

I’d love this…lol

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!