Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
why isn’t he texting back
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?