Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!