sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
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4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything