Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒