Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.