Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.