Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
As a doctor, I can confirm
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down