Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.