Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Lmfao

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either