Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.