Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

👀

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

Hit me in the face with a bird

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.