Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE