Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.