Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way