Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!