Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room