Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

My Sentiments Exactly

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew