Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
You Might Also Like
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Software Development ⛵️
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
no
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.