Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈