Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
one week till the election
