Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

and now we wait

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.