Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick