Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.