Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”