sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
You Might Also Like
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I cannot stop laughing at this
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.