Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Put the is in disheveled

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

Woke up against my better judgment again

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.