sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
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Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A ghost story
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?