Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.