Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*