Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something