Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws