Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Banking tips
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”