Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

If snakes were wide

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

this is the kind of friend i am

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside