Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.