Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
is nasa ok
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.