Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.