Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Coffee is ready.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift