Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training