Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.