Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*